9.9.10

I’m so overwhelmed in life at this point in time. I hate this! I just want to go sit in a corner and cry my eyes out. I’m doing badly in some of my classes already. And we’ve barely been in school that long. I’m always hearing things about Trevor and they’re always bad. I wish I could move on from him, but I can’t. I love him too much. I wish I didn’t. I’m always put down and sad because of him. I’m told so much that I shouldn’t be with him and I’m dumb and stupid that I’m with him. Well I can’t walk away from him. Even through all that he’s done. He’s hurt me so much I just can’t be hurt again and that would be being apart from him. I want to be with him all the time. I don’t want to love him, I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to be his girlfriend, I don’t want his family to love me, I don’t want to like him, I don’t want to get jealous that he talks to a girl or a girl talks to him. I just want to move on and forget about him. But I can’t and it’s killing me. I wish I could. I think he got me back was with his sweet words. He tells me how great our life will be after I graduate and were going to have a family and have all these big boy toys and big house and everything I wanted.
To be honest: I just wish I could go somewhere by myself and just start a new life. I want my mommy. She’s such a great support system. She knows I can do better than him. She knows I have a bright future. She knows I work hard at what I do. She knows I struggle. She knows I’m good in volleyball and deserve to play varsity. I just wish it could be me and her and some new world. I want to take Kelsey but she would want Jonny because they are basically married. And I just don’t want to think about boys. Just be us girls and do what we want when we want. Not care what boys thought and what they are. I just want boys to go away for a while. I don’t need them, I don’t want them. I just want to be successful by myself. I want to do everything myself.
This school work is kicking my ass. I’ve failed a couple quizzes, done pretty badly on tests. I’ve done ok on the daily work. I don’t know what it is that I can’t obtain the knowledge. I just wish I could keep up with the other students. I mean I have common sense but not really the book smarts. I feel like I’m ADHD or something. I can’t focus, all I do is want to listen to my iPod and sit in a corner and cry. That’s all I want, nothing else, no one to try and comfort me or anything.
My tailbone hurts really badly. I think I bruised it. But I really don’t know how. It’s bothering me.
I work my ass of in volleyball and what do I get, I get to sit bench and watch. What do I have to do to get to play? It pisses me off. Not to be big headed or to toot my own horn but I think I’m better than half of the players on the team. And a freshman and a sophomore get to play over me. It’s not fair. I don’t know what I did but dam it I want to play. I mean yeah I get to play JV with my girls and I have a blast but I think I can play the next level higher. So we’ll see how the rest of the day goes. We have two games in Flandreau tonight. Not really looking forward to it. Ugh 