9.9.10

I’m so overwhelmed in life at this point in time. I hate this! I just want to go sit in a corner and cry my eyes out. I’m doing badly in some of my classes already. And we’ve barely been in school that long. I’m always hearing things about Trevor and they’re always bad. I wish I could move on from him, but I can’t. I love him too much. I wish I didn’t. I’m always put down and sad because of him. I’m told so much that I shouldn’t be with him and I’m dumb and stupid that I’m with him. Well I can’t walk away from him. Even through all that he’s done. He’s hurt me so much I just can’t be hurt again and that would be being apart from him. I want to be with him all the time. I don’t want to love him, I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to be his girlfriend, I don’t want his family to love me, I don’t want to like him, I don’t want to get jealous that he talks to a girl or a girl talks to him. I just want to move on and forget about him. But I can’t and it’s killing me. I wish I could. I think he got me back was with his sweet words. He tells me how great our life will be after I graduate and were going to have a family and have all these big boy toys and big house and everything I wanted.
To be honest: I just wish I could go somewhere by myself and just start a new life. I want my mommy. She’s such a great support system. She knows I can do better than him. She knows I have a bright future. She knows I work hard at what I do. She knows I struggle. She knows I’m good in volleyball and deserve to play varsity. I just wish it could be me and her and some new world. I want to take Kelsey but she would want Jonny because they are basically married. And I just don’t want to think about boys. Just be us girls and do what we want when we want. Not care what boys thought and what they are. I just want boys to go away for a while. I don’t need them, I don’t want them. I just want to be successful by myself. I want to do everything myself.
This school work is kicking my ass. I’ve failed a couple quizzes, done pretty badly on tests. I’ve done ok on the daily work. I don’t know what it is that I can’t obtain the knowledge. I just wish I could keep up with the other students. I mean I have common sense but not really the book smarts. I feel like I’m ADHD or something. I can’t focus, all I do is want to listen to my iPod and sit in a corner and cry. That’s all I want, nothing else, no one to try and comfort me or anything.
My tailbone hurts really badly. I think I bruised it. But I really don’t know how. It’s bothering me.
I work my ass of in volleyball and what do I get, I get to sit bench and watch. What do I have to do to get to play? It pisses me off. Not to be big headed or to toot my own horn but I think I’m better than half of the players on the team. And a freshman and a sophomore get to play over me. It’s not fair. I don’t know what I did but dam it I want to play. I mean yeah I get to play JV with my girls and I have a blast but I think I can play the next level higher. So we’ll see how the rest of the day goes. We have two games in Flandreau tonight. Not really looking forward to it. Ugh 

No Road is too Long with Good Company

i know i don't write in this everyday. the only time i have time to write is when i'm at home. and thats pretty rare bacause i have school then i have volleyball and then i have homework and then most of the time i don't feel like doing anything ha. i should write everyday so i don't have to do so much catching up and then maybe i could get more details in..
Friday: school, volleyball, football game. i sat with trevor in the stands, i didn't really wanna sit in the student section, i wanted to sit with him. we couldn't really see so we just kinda talked and giggled the whole time. after the game we went to his house and played on his computer. he has a mac and so we took a bunch of pictures on it. it was pretty sweet. there is like different options you can do on it. so we took a bunch. and he showed me some songs on youtube. then we cuddled :)
Saturday: trevors family had like that Brown family benifit thing. so we went to that. it was in alex. so we rode there on his motercycle with becca and tyler. and we registered and everything. we rode to different towns. i don't remember the towns but some were: epiphany or whatever, canova, salem and i don't remember the others. they were small towns though. so we did that till about 630ish. they gave away prizes and had a supper and all that. it was fun. i hung out with his family. i loved it. then we got home and we chilled at his house. cuddled. then we walked to my house at like 8ish -9. and talked on my front step and took some pictures :)
Sunday: had to work at 5:30-2. i went over to his house for break for like 5 min cuz they were going to sioux falls cuz his mom bought a new car. i wanna see it. so trevor gets the pontiac. its a nice car! i drove it one night hehe. anyway. i came home and took a nap and chilled at home. oh yeah i rearranged my room, morgan moved into briannas old room. its awesome to have my own room. i sleep pretty peacfully :)
Monday: labor day:: had practice at 830. it went pretty well. i was excited, it was weird. i was like really energitic and happy and stuff. idk. i hope i get to play varsity tomorrow. i didn't get to play at all on thursday night and i was pist. i talked to Vanderwoody about it alittle bit. she said it was mainly because of my aditute. that pist me off. cuz like it should be about whos good and whos got talent and stuff. not about whos peppy and stuff. idk its gay. so i hope i get to play varsity tomorrow because i was energetic today. and after that i've just been chillin at home since practice.

8.26.10 ugh

well i suppose i should write in here since i haven't since like late april ha. im not good at keeping these things updated. i don't do this often as you might tell. the only reason i do it is because kelsey likes to read it and know what my thoughts are. so i do it for you kelsey :)
so it was the second day of school today. it was just like any other day. this year has been extremly boring so far. i don't have any classes with kelsey or matt. and i don't get to see trevor in the hallways. this sucks so far. my classes are hard and i don't have anything to look forward to. i just don't care, i want to give up. but i guess i have to work hard for something in life, and thats to live happy in the end. so we found out our teams in vball practice today. yeah i'm not to satisfied. im on jv and varsity. yeah happy im on varsity. but jv really. this would be my third year on it. i mean yeah i guess they need me as a setter but i think they can find someone else. if i barely play varsity within the first couple games i think i'm gonna quit. cuz honestly what good am i if i barely play ya know. it would just be dumb. they can replace me. i'm not that important. i don't think our teams will be that good this year sadly. but we'll see. varsity yeah our hitters are good, but they brought up a freshman, and some sophomores. and jv-- the backrow isn't doing so hot. they let alot drop and can barely get me the ball to set. i'm like running out there to get the ball looking like a chicken with my head cut off. i like being a setter but yet i just kinda want to hit ya know. but i guess i can do both occasionally. kelsey is on jv with me. i'm proud of her. she's actually pretty damn good. i try and get her the ball as much as i can, hehe :) so i have to play jv this weekend for the tourney. i'm kinda pissed but whatever i guess. and we're highly encouraged not to go to the first football game of the year in platte. well damn it i really want to go. but doesn't look like i'll be going. just to impress a couple coaches. ugh fuck this. i just want to give up on it and do what i want when i want.i just wish i lived in a apartment or something and did everything i wanted for a while. and its hard then possibly go back to the way things were. idk just try something new i guess.
im gonna try and write in this more. cuz now i have wireless internet at home and i can get on this more instead of just school where i'm busy most of the time with homework or something. so kelsey i hope your getting more of my thoughts :) i love you kelsey! :)

my weekend.

this weekend.
friday: after school me and kelsey went to sioux falls. to finish up our prom shopping and get our nails done (which are really hard to write/type with) which mine are kinda a little longer than kelseys. its gonna be hard to work with these things. but they look nice. becca chilled with us for a bit at the mall and walmart.. it was pretty cool that she was there. she talked about her boyfriend alot. i met her boyfriend, and 2 friends. we left around 7:30ish i think. so we were on our way home and about 2 miles on the interstate, i was digging for my chap stick and kelsey looked down at her phone to check the time. and guess what. a deer ran out and hit us. we were only going like 65 mph. it hit the sid of the car. knocked the head light out and cracked the radiator. i'm like "kelsey we just hit a deer" she was in shock and denied it but i made her stop so we could look at the damage. she didn't want to look so i volunteered, i got out and looked at it. i was completely shocked that a adolecent deer could do that much damage to a car. my face was in shock. my eyes and mouth were open the widest they could go. i'm like you have to see this. she called her mom. she was crying so i had to take the phone and talk to her, i explained and described everything. her mom told us to just stay there and they would come and get us. so we stayed there becca and her friends came and gave us some company. beccas boyfriend told us what was wrong with the car, which basically the radiator was cracked and that needed to be replaced and stuff lik that. so we waited for kelsey's parents to get there and they loaded the car up on the trailer and we went home.
saturday:: couldn't really sleep in late, so i woke up around 9:30. cleaned my room a bit then chilled for a bit till i got my hair done. it looked beautiful. it rained really hard! hailed a little. then we took pictures at 4. jonny and trevor came over. trevor walked in and i like gasped kinda, a smile lite my face when i first seen him. he looked so good! he cleaned up very nice. he was very hot and sexy. :) grandma and grandpa came over and took pictures. we took like a million pictures. my cheecks hurt because there were so many pictures lol. then we drove around for a long while. he let me drive for a bit. which was really cool. he like offered it and i was surprised cuz its a huge diesel truck. but i got to for what about a half hour/ 45 min or so. it was pretty great. but then i went to my house and got my clothes for the after prom party cuz trevor wanted me to change at his house. so i did. then he got in and drove till the banquet. which was the junior senior banquet. it was cool. i got my glass and we ate and stuff. stolp gave a speech and stuff. and trevor did the beef hot links commercial. he had to. it was sweet. he got really embarressed, his face turned bright red. it was cute. so we got done with the banquet and we drove around for a while longer. went to the school and took pictures. then the grand march. there was alot of out of town dates. then the dance! :) me and trevor danced together alot. he was the only guy i danced with besides jonny wagner, he came up and i danced with him, but mary was there so i focused on her basically. but other than jonny i danced with trevor. we danced all the slow songs and most of the fast. but some of the songs were lame so we went and chilled. we were ready for the dance to be over the last hour of the dance. ha. after the dance we went to trevors and changed. he helpd me outta my dress and stuff. we changed and went to the after prom party. my favorite part was the hypnitist. he was halarious. trevor was hypnotised. he was so funny! he sang to shawnia twain. and he had to act like her to. i have most of it on video on my phone. andy and mary i say were the funniest. zac heumiller was faking it the whole time, everyone could tell, but he stayed up there. he just looked dumb. but chelsea, abby, and darin were up there to. abby was funny to. then it got done and we went and played games and stuff. i pretty much just watched trevor do games. i won a water bottle and thats it. he won a mini frige or whatver and a gift card to the trophy room. we went to his house after the after prom party and i went home at like 7:30ish. and went to bed.
sunday: i basically slept all day. woke up at 3, went and ate a bowl of cereal, went and laid back in bed till like 7, got up and went on facebook, then laid in bed til like 9 and got up to talk to my fam. then went to bed at like 11. ha i was a pile yesterday.
today: it rained this morning when i was walking to school. its pretty crappy and gloomy out. kelsey isn't here today. i wonder why??? i emailed her this morning. but no response. i'm sitting here suppose to be in spanish but the thing wont connect so i should probably go and find schock. :/

here we go.

today today today. today has been ok. i had to work last night 4-10. it gets exhausting cuz i was the float, which means i was down all of the wings running to get to the next transfer/lift. cleaned alot of people up. and charted like a mad woman. it was nuts. but anyway. me and trevor talked a little bit. he texted me at work probably around 6 or so. i can't really text back cuz your not even suppose to have your phone on you but ppl do anyway. so i texted back when i could. he asked what i wanted to take to prom. i wanted him to have that picked out already. it was between a jeep, jason lunders truck or something out. but i don't really wanna choose that. its his senior year prom. i want him to have it the way he wants it. i mean i would like a part of it to but really its his last year of prom i want him to have his way mainly. i want to look good for him. but we didn't talk all that much. and i went to bed. i said goodnight. but i didn't say i love you. i feel asleep. but then he said " i do care about you" i like seeing that this morning. but then i said "it doesn't seem like it" and he hasn't replied to that one yet. so i'm just gonna wait for him to email me first. i've been trying and he hasn't. its hard for it to only be a one way street ya know.

so maybe if i go out tonight which i plan on doing if we don't get back from sioux falls to late, and talk to trevor tonight. because prom is tomorrow and i don't want it to be awkward or anything . i want it to be great and perfect and everything. but we'll see how things go.

so i'm going to sioux falls with kelsey today!! :):) i'm excited. we're gonna go and get our nails done. then we're gonna get our jewlery and make up and stuff. and i guess becca is gonna hang out with us after we get our nails done. i kinda wanted it to be just me and kelsey all day. but she hasn't seen becca for like a month she said. so i guess she's gonna help pick out jewlery and stuff with us. i hope its fun with her. i just don't want to be left out or feel like i'm the third wheel or anything. cuz when she lived her-8th grade, her and kelsey were best friends, and i felt like the third wheel most of the time. but oh well. it should be fun--hopefully. ha

well nothing really left on my mind at the time. talk later maybe.

my stressful days. .

soooo. i think i'm gonna write today. i have alot to talk about. i haven't written in here for like a month or so.
so i went to state ffa in brookings. we left on sunday at noon. i sat with matt all the way up there. we got to the hotel and i hung out in matt, jordan, and bebo's room for most of the time. we went burger king and then we went to walmart. i had to go cuz i had to get a shirt, nylons, and black socks.. and we just messed around in there.. it was pretty fun. we had to go to a session that day. sooo we got all dressed up in OD. we all look so cool in OD. so professional ha. but after that, it got done at like 9:30. so when we got back i just chilled in my room with beth and lynze. beth is sooo messy. she had her stuff everywhere! it kinda got annoying, i had all my stuff in the little chair next to my bed. we ordered pizza that night. mmmm it was so good. but we went to bed at like 11:30, cuz we had to get up at 6 to shower and stufff.
monday: got up at 6, first one to shower, blew dried my hair, straightened and the whole 9 yards. so got in OD, and went to another session. kinda boring. wanted to sleep lol. got back to the hotel and chilled for a bit, i went swimming for about a half hour. i was only in the hot tube, it felt really good on my stressed back. i needed it. i could use a back rub also right now ha. so i showered again after that and got all did again lol. had another session, went back to the hotel room and changed and touched up a bit. then went to the dance. i had a really good time at the dance, i had to go and get a drink cuz i was really hot and started to sweat, i came back and to what to seeeee. i seen trevor and paige grinding! yeah i was majorly pist. i can't really explain the feeling. i wanted to cry. matt got in my face and said it was alright. i screamed at him saying it was not all right. he better get the fuck off of her. they better stop now. i didn't do anything about it. i wish i would of gone up to them and stopped them myself and made a big scene or something. but i didnt. i sat there and watched them. beau came up to me and asked if i wanted to dance. he said if he can dance with another girl than i can dance with another guy. so i danced with beau the rest of that song + another song. then after that trevor thought he could dance with me. she he started dancing with me. i told him to go dance with paige again, and he said he would rather not, so i barely danced with him. he left and i think he went and told paige something but idk what he said. and brock started dancing on me so i'm like ok, brock you wanna dance? and he's like surrrre. so we started dancing, and trevor came back and he was like what the fuck?! he's like whatever and he left. so i'm like whatever i'm gonna keep dancing. you left so whatever. then after that i'm like where'd trevor go and no body knew. so i'm whatever god. so i went and got a drink and went to the bathroom to cool down a bit. then i came back and brock said that trevor asked where i was, but he left again. so idk . and then the last song came on and zach bies asked me to dance so i'm like surrre i guess i can do that. so i started dancing with him and i found trevor, he was standing off to the side, i think he was watching me or something but i don't really care. so dance got over and i followed matt and jordan out and we sat there for a couple min. trevor came up behind me and said i'm leaving, peace. and i'm like yep. bye. i texted him and i'm like wow more fuckin secrets. and he's like what. whats going on. what are you talking about. i'm like really. you had to jump on paige once i left huh. real sneaky. and then he like blew up on me. i told him not to talk to me and then he's like way to be mature, i'm like way to piss off your girlfriend. then he's like i can't believe your associating yourself with me. i'm like i don't have to. he's like do what you got to do. then i said ok really. i about cried when i seen you with paige, but i guess you do what you got to do. and yeah. then he didn't respond after that. so i just went to bed.
tuesday: woke up at 6:20ish, showered, blow dried hair, and threw it up cuz i didn't really want to do anything with it. so went to the session and blah. i texted trevor saying "what do you want with me" he was like what, what do you mean. i said it was a pretty straight forward question. and he said idk. what do you want to happen. i told him i was unsure. i don't remember much. but i told him i don't feel like there is much loyalty, honesty and respect. he said he doesn't lie to me, he is loyal.. which really isn't true. i told him he doesn't really respect me that much. and he kinda agreed. and i asked why. and he said it doesn't matter. and i asked why it didn't matter. and he said he would tell me in person cuz he didn't want to tell me over text or something. kinda makes me worry. .
but yesterday we got back at 3, i took a nap when i got home from school. woke up at 6. went and tanned with my mom while she worked out a bit. then got home, ate supper. i went walking at 8 by myself. it was good. i like excersing or however you spell that. i invited trevor to go with me so we could talk but he didnt, even though he said he would. so i walked by myself. and then he invited me over at like 9:10. whick i had to be home at 9:30. so i was only there for like 10 min maybe. cuz it took me some time to walk there. seth was there. he told him to leave. so i crawled up on him bed where he was and sat there. it was 3 min before i had to leave. he's like so start talking.. i didn't really want to start something that was not going to get finished. he's like if your not gonna talk i'm gonna go work out. i'm like god, i'll leave. so i got up and left. he went and worked out, i went home and went to bed.
and now i'm here sitting in spanish, writing this novel. not really paying attention.. but i thought i would write in this for a bit since i haven't written in here and i have alot to say.. so kels i hope this takes up your "bored" time lol.
i didn't cover some of the stuff but i got most of it. ha

yeah. um i'm bored.

so today i'm super bored.!. wow i haven't written in here for 10 days. big reason is when i wanted to get on here the damn websit was blocked. like really. why is it blocked for a couple days and not for a day. . kinda frustrating.
all of the choir kids are gone. which include trevor, kelsey, and matt. um yeah. i have no one to talk to. i have no one to sit by at lunch. barely anyone in classes. i kinda wish i was in choir. but i like not being in it. more time to do homework and stuff. i have so much to write but i don't know where to start. eh
STATE is this weekend. i hope i can stay. i hope kelsey can stay to. we'd be staying in a room with like 12 ppl. there is gonna be alot of ppl on the floor. but trevor gets bed. which means i get bed lol. and if kelsey stays she gets bed also. cuz i'm not gonna let one of my best friends sleep on the floor. she'll sleep on my side of the bed. no other girl will be sleepin by trevor. i'm just that protective lol. but i hope me and kelsey can stay. i'm really hoping.. even if it was just friday night.
trevor asked me to do him a favor yesterday. and that was to go and check the sump pump or whatever to see if it was working and to see if the floor was wet or anything. so i'm like yeah ok sure. so i went over. i didn't care what i looked like cuz i thought i wasn't gonna see anyone. well i got there went downstairs to the utility room. he jumps out at me and grabs me. scarres the hell outta me. idk i was kinda acting weird cuz i was in shock and i looked like shit. i was wearing no make-up, hair was up, wearing sweats, have my period and i have a huge zit on my cheek. i just want it gone. anyway. he said he was comming back on wednesday with his family. but he came back for the music thing today. kinda weird but he did. i wouldn't of came back. ha but oh well. i got to see him. i missed him.
friday: i stayed home. trevor was gone and i didn't want to do anything. cuz i wasn't gonna see him. i just wanted to hug him tight.
saturday night. i was in the mood to go out. so i did. i went out with matt, abbey, shelby, & becca. i guess kelsey wanted to hang out with jonny and watch a movie or something and becca wanted to go out. so i'm like ok i'll take her out. we went out to the summer house. it was pretty lame but i'm sure she would rather be doing something than sit there in the dark and watch a movie cuddling with herself.. there was probably about 50 ppl out at summer house by like 10:30. we went home at 11:30. it was pretty lame. but whatever. we just sat there and talked. didn't drink or anything. but thats alright. doesn't hurt anything. i kinda wish me and becca coulda talked more. like more in detail and stuff. but it seemed like she wasn't that interested.
i'm in spanish right now. i wanna shoot myself. just i need something to do. i can hardly pay attention. i need someone to talk to. i wanna cuddle or something. sleep. watch a movie. anything but be at school.
oh well i guess. i'll probably write later cuz i have nothing else to do. i'll have more to talk about i'm sure. . .

blah.

so today i think is a good day. woke up happy. showered, dressed, did my hair. yeah i straightened my hair for the first time this week ha. i had it up all week but today is the day that i straightened it. and it looks good lol. i'm in such a good mood. i love it. i want to talk to everyone and anyone. talk and giggle and not do homework. haha
me and trevor talked on the phone last night for like 3 hours! he had a list of things for us to talk about. i'm glad we talked about whatever he had. we talked about me talking to matt nelson and john cain. cuz like i get upset when he talks to some girls. which i understand why he gets upset. but i told him i don't even have a crush on matt nelson anymore, i mean yeah he's cute and all but i just don't really like what he does. like he pooped in the basement out at the summer house. really.!. thats discusting. learn how to respect ppl's things, espscially at a house! and he hooked up with kayla kelly which is kinda weird but she's really pretty and i see why he did. she doesn't really get intimit with anyone.
trevor told ms. fleighs everything that we do and what we talk about and what he feels and stuff. its pretty weird. but yet its cool that they can talk and understand each other. we talked about his plans, he wants to be a power lineman and move to california. but i'm gonna be here. and he still wants to date. he hates not hanging out as much as we should, how are we gonna make it months without seeing each other. we talked about my dad. how i got in trouble on tuesday night. dad screamed at me. told me i'm a whore and i'm just a lying snake. i honestly cried from that moment till i went to bed. which was probably an hour. i cried myself to sleep. i hated that feeling. i told trevor that i wanted to physically hurt myself again cuz i was mentally in pain and i wanted it physical. he said he wouldn't let me, he would get me help, make me see a counciler and so on. we like argued about it, i wouldn't get help--no need for it. i don't want help. its my problem. i can deal with it. and at that time my dad was upstair yelling at my brother for probably no reason. he was cussing so much. f this and f that and your an f. FFFFF. really dad. get a grip of yourself. just leave! he has cheated on my mom when i was younger. but i'm pretty sure he still is. she doens't realize anything. he goes and eats with a woman all the time on my dads supper break from work or whatevever. really. get a guy friend to go with you. he thinks i'm a lie. he doensn't even know he's living a lie. i just want to tell him to fuck off and he can have nothing to do with me. ever.
i feel really bad for kelsey right now. she just broke up with jonny. i told her that trevor told me that jonny smokes weed all the time, or whenever he's around it. i want them to be perfect again. they were perfect a couple days ago and now its just all in a hole right now. but really he shouldn't of lied to her. he should just tell her the truth from the getko. you get in bigger trouble lying about something bad than actually saying it up front. but idk. i'm not sure what they're talking about. she's gonna email me their convo next hour. i'm nervous. i hope all the information i'm giving her is false. i'm just telling her whatever trevor is telling me. and i know he wouldn't lie to me. cuz he got in big trouble for lying to me before. i hope things work out for the best. i hope he tells her that he loves her and tells her the truth and they get back together. even though she said she was 100% done. i don't want them to be done. i want them to be good. prom is comming up. ahhhh.
game tonight. its in wagner. i'm going with mary, miranda, abbey, giesler. beau i think but not sure on him. i'm excited. everyone is wearing old time school basketball jerseys. i just thought of the idea that some wore same time era- cheerleading outfits. i wanna wear a cheerleading outfit. it would be so cute. and then maybe i could go by the cheerleaders and show them what i got lol. weird but its a thought. ha
maybe i'll write later. i'm in a half study hall right now. but i got to get some stuff done. :/ i want to be there for kelsey. i want her to come to the game tonight. i need to find her a ridee!!! i want to be with her! i hope she's alright.

No basketball!! :):)

so yesterday was the first day away from basketball!! and i'm lovin it. just the time is amazing :) i had school which was sooo sloow! but after i went and had my interveiw at the nursing home for the CNA position. my mom said i was hired to my dad last night. i'm excited to start. i have my drug test and a skin test today after school. so this is how i spent my time: went to interveiw, picked up my brother, tanned & talked to kayla at bodyworks cuz she was working out, then i went home and watched my brother, did some bio homeowork that was piled on me. and at 8.30 went to matts and we did some bio too.
today. i'm gonna do my drug test, hopefully tan, do some homework. i actually want to get a one month membership to bodyworks so i don't get fat for prom. and hopefully in a month it will be nice out so i can run and stuff out side.
tomorrow: i'm gonna go to state wrestling!! miss school and watch 5 of our boys wrestle. and probably chill in sioux falls. i'm going with chelsea, karen, and brooke. i hope it doesn't get boring or anything.
saturday. i plan to hang out with sierra. cuz it was her birthday yesterday. and she is now 16. so and idk what we're going to do. that day is unplanned. so we'll see whats in store for this weekend. ha
talk to you laterrrrrrR.

. .MoNdaY feB 22, 2010. .

Sunday, February 21, 2010
So it’s Sunday. I’m bored and I kinda wanna write. I’ll go back to Friday. I don’t have wireless internet so I’m writing in a word document right now. I’ll just copy and paste.

Friday: school, game. We played Flandreau. Jv won and varsity lost. I don’t know what it takes for our varsity to actually win some games. We go to districts on Tuesday. We go to Parkston and play Parkston. I’m scared. They’re rated number 1 in state. I want to have a positive attitude but really it hard to. So anyway, after the game, me and matt giesler went out. I asked to go home with him since our game was in Montrose and it’s technically called a home game. Well I asked McGregor and he said “notta chance” I was like really. Wow you’re a fag. Get over yourself. You’re retarded. I was pretty upset. So I had to ride the bus home. When I got home me and matt went and got some cheese balls from the brewery. After that we went out to summer house. I was really tired. But it was something to do and I didn’t want to just go home. So I got home at 11:30 (my curfew). Trevor kinda seemed upset but idk at what. He said he had a migraine or whatever. So he slept a lot the next day.

Saturday: had practice at 9am! Got up at 7:30, left on the bus at 8:30, practiced for about 2 hours, came home, went and tanned with my mom at noon, came home, showered, got ready and went to the region wrestling at like 2 with Brianna. 5 of our MCM wrestlers are going to state!! Ben and Dominic Blindert, Drew and Derek Eldeen, and Cody Eichmann are going. I’m really proud of drew and Ben. I knew Dominic was gonna go. But I wasn’t expecting Ben or Drew to make it because of their mentality. So I think I might miss school on Friday and go watch our guys at State! Anyway, We sat there till like 6 then I went home for about an hour and then I went back to the wrestling thing because Brianna went to Travis’s and I wanted to go out. So I went back till like 9. Me matt and Miranda went out to the summer house after the wrestling thing was over around 9ish… me and trevor went upstairs, his hormones were goin and I was just tired. So we didn’t do anything, just laid there. I almost fell asleep because I was comfy and he was playing with my hair. I love it when ppl play with my hair. It’s so relaxing. So I left and went home at curfew. Crashed hard after I went to the bathroom cuz I had to go really bad lol.

Sunday: slept in till about 12:30ish. Got up, ate some breakfast, went and tanned with mom again, came home, showered, laid around and was lazy. Durfee invited the varsity basketball girls over to his house at 5. He fed us pizza and we watched some of our game film from when we played Parkston and a little bit of some college basketball (durfee’s favorite college basketball team, Syracuse). Then I came home, watched a little tv (winter Olympics), showered… and now writing in here. It was kinda a boring weekend. I’ve just been tired. I just want to lay in Trevors arms, cuddle, and sleep…

and today:: its first hour and i'm tired. went to trevor's this morning and woke him up and stuff. walked to school. i hope today goes by fast. its hopefully our last bball practice. and districts tomorrow! if we lose than we're done. i should be free on wednesday so then i can hang out with trevor for a while. i'm excited. we'll see how today goes...

--feb. 19. 2010--

ok. so this is the second time writing in here. i don't write much but i kinda like it. i like say it in my head as i'm writing ha. oh and i'm in geometry writing this. ppl talking all around. ppl wandering around. ppl staring. and ppl lost.

yesterday we had a game. i was really motivated to do anything. i hung out with trevor for about an hour. but it only seemed like it was 15 min. but it was better than nothing. the jv game went pretty good. i play pretty hard and well i think. always room to improve. i try really hard because i really love the game. i'm out on the court worry about nothing but gettin that ball in that round hoop with the net. hustle, work, push, slap, trip, fall, miss, and oh maybe a couple points here and there. i love to score. its such a great feeling. like you helped your team to get that much closer to winning. the things i hate about basketball is practicing and the coaches yelling. like really we just want to have fun. we win when we have fun and lose when you scream at us and think its just strickly buisness.

bells gonna ring. next period. half hour study hall and then spanish :/

alright. i'm in the spanish room writing.

anyway. basketball. i played all 4 quarters of the jv. i was only suppose to play 3 and go get ready for varsity at the end of the 3rd quarter but mcgregor left me in there. oh well i guess. i'd rather play with jv i think. both mcgregor and durfee apoligized to me. it wasn't that big of a deal to me. i mean i would love to play more varsity. but not just go in and come right back out. i would actually like to stay in and play for a while. show them what i got you know. we were in baltic. i seen becca. she was there with her little sister miranda. becca is beautiful. i wonder if she came there to see me, see how i actually played or if she attends activities all the time. i really wanted to go over there and talk to her maybe give her a hug. but she would probably have been like wtf. we never talk. like what the hell or something. idk. i think we made eye contact a couple times. cuz i would look at her and i think she was looking at me. or at least in my direction. i think i seen her smile once, but not at me. i think at her sister the guy next to her. idk who he was. just a person.

so today. i just want to go home. like every other day. i'm tired and have really no motivation. no homework so far. had a test in history, reviewed or something in english, finished my worksheet in geometry and here i sit in 4th period. maybe get spanish homework or maybe bio. but we're finishing the movie in bio and ag. never get homework. 6th hour is my study hall. i enjoy that.

i think me and trevor are doing great right now. talking. hanging out. enjoying each other. no sexual stuff. which i love not doing. we just hold each other. its such a great feeling. i love the feeling of his body against mine. i don't regret talking to matt. i'm still gonna talk to him. he gave me a perfect point that i can still talk to him. its called trust. he told me himself he isn't going to try to get with me or anything while im dating trevor. and trevor and brooke talked about the time when matt and brooke were dating. so we should be fine. matt gives great advice. i love talking to him. he's really nice and funny. but i love trevor. i hope he knows that. i feel safe and secure in his arms. i just want to be there the rest of my life! but i have no idea where life is going to bring me. i'm only a sophomore. he was saying that he was thinking about marriage and kids and stuff already. well i'm to young to be thinking of that right now. give me some time.

but maybe i'll write later. i have to go and take some pictures for my spanish assignment that is due today hehe.

((feb. 17. 2010))

ha ok. so this is the first time i've writtin on this since may of 2009. pretty darn close to a year ago. how silly is that. kelsey actually just recommended it that i started writting in this again. she thinks it could help us get closer. hopefully it works.
so i'm sitting in ag. right now. pretty close to stack chairs, for the bell to ring, and go drag myself to basketball practice. i'll write more after practice maybe. if not then tomorrow for sure. :)
ok. so i never got on my computer last night.. so i'm sitting in first hour history.
i don't really like this class. but i think its my easiest class.
when i talked to trevor last night he brought up the same convo that he did the other night. and it was about matt nelson. i guess brooke told trevor that me and matt have been talking. and we have. i admit it, it is pretty wrong. but i've like matt since 8th grade. my feelings have never changed for him. i still like him. i don't think i'll ever not like him.. but me and trevor discussed. and i'm not gonna talk to matt anymore. i want trevor. not anyone else. he's my boyfriend and i want to keep it that way.
the other night i relized that he really did care about me which i was so unsure about for a long time. that kinda why e and matt have started talking. but i'm gonne email matt and tell him that we shouldn't be talking because i don't want to lose trevor and its kinda almost like cheating or wanting someone different. but we can still be friends and stuff.
there are some rumors going around. and some of trev's friends are telling him that i don't care and that i wouldn't be trustworthy with other guys. well i'm gonna prove them wrong.
but my friends tell me i can do better and he doesn't deserve me and stuff. we'll see how things go.
i'll write back later. i'm gonna post this. :)