9.9.10

I’m so overwhelmed in life at this point in time. I hate this! I just want to go sit in a corner and cry my eyes out. I’m doing badly in some of my classes already. And we’ve barely been in school that long. I’m always hearing things about Trevor and they’re always bad. I wish I could move on from him, but I can’t. I love him too much. I wish I didn’t. I’m always put down and sad because of him. I’m told so much that I shouldn’t be with him and I’m dumb and stupid that I’m with him. Well I can’t walk away from him. Even through all that he’s done. He’s hurt me so much I just can’t be hurt again and that would be being apart from him. I want to be with him all the time. I don’t want to love him, I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to be his girlfriend, I don’t want his family to love me, I don’t want to like him, I don’t want to get jealous that he talks to a girl or a girl talks to him. I just want to move on and forget about him. But I can’t and it’s killing me. I wish I could. I think he got me back was with his sweet words. He tells me how great our life will be after I graduate and were going to have a family and have all these big boy toys and big house and everything I wanted.
To be honest: I just wish I could go somewhere by myself and just start a new life. I want my mommy. She’s such a great support system. She knows I can do better than him. She knows I have a bright future. She knows I work hard at what I do. She knows I struggle. She knows I’m good in volleyball and deserve to play varsity. I just wish it could be me and her and some new world. I want to take Kelsey but she would want Jonny because they are basically married. And I just don’t want to think about boys. Just be us girls and do what we want when we want. Not care what boys thought and what they are. I just want boys to go away for a while. I don’t need them, I don’t want them. I just want to be successful by myself. I want to do everything myself.
This school work is kicking my ass. I’ve failed a couple quizzes, done pretty badly on tests. I’ve done ok on the daily work. I don’t know what it is that I can’t obtain the knowledge. I just wish I could keep up with the other students. I mean I have common sense but not really the book smarts. I feel like I’m ADHD or something. I can’t focus, all I do is want to listen to my iPod and sit in a corner and cry. That’s all I want, nothing else, no one to try and comfort me or anything.
My tailbone hurts really badly. I think I bruised it. But I really don’t know how. It’s bothering me.
I work my ass of in volleyball and what do I get, I get to sit bench and watch. What do I have to do to get to play? It pisses me off. Not to be big headed or to toot my own horn but I think I’m better than half of the players on the team. And a freshman and a sophomore get to play over me. It’s not fair. I don’t know what I did but dam it I want to play. I mean yeah I get to play JV with my girls and I have a blast but I think I can play the next level higher. So we’ll see how the rest of the day goes. We have two games in Flandreau tonight. Not really looking forward to it. Ugh 

No Road is too Long with Good Company

i know i don't write in this everyday. the only time i have time to write is when i'm at home. and thats pretty rare bacause i have school then i have volleyball and then i have homework and then most of the time i don't feel like doing anything ha. i should write everyday so i don't have to do so much catching up and then maybe i could get more details in..
Friday: school, volleyball, football game. i sat with trevor in the stands, i didn't really wanna sit in the student section, i wanted to sit with him. we couldn't really see so we just kinda talked and giggled the whole time. after the game we went to his house and played on his computer. he has a mac and so we took a bunch of pictures on it. it was pretty sweet. there is like different options you can do on it. so we took a bunch. and he showed me some songs on youtube. then we cuddled :)
Saturday: trevors family had like that Brown family benifit thing. so we went to that. it was in alex. so we rode there on his motercycle with becca and tyler. and we registered and everything. we rode to different towns. i don't remember the towns but some were: epiphany or whatever, canova, salem and i don't remember the others. they were small towns though. so we did that till about 630ish. they gave away prizes and had a supper and all that. it was fun. i hung out with his family. i loved it. then we got home and we chilled at his house. cuddled. then we walked to my house at like 8ish -9. and talked on my front step and took some pictures :)
Sunday: had to work at 5:30-2. i went over to his house for break for like 5 min cuz they were going to sioux falls cuz his mom bought a new car. i wanna see it. so trevor gets the pontiac. its a nice car! i drove it one night hehe. anyway. i came home and took a nap and chilled at home. oh yeah i rearranged my room, morgan moved into briannas old room. its awesome to have my own room. i sleep pretty peacfully :)
Monday: labor day:: had practice at 830. it went pretty well. i was excited, it was weird. i was like really energitic and happy and stuff. idk. i hope i get to play varsity tomorrow. i didn't get to play at all on thursday night and i was pist. i talked to Vanderwoody about it alittle bit. she said it was mainly because of my aditute. that pist me off. cuz like it should be about whos good and whos got talent and stuff. not about whos peppy and stuff. idk its gay. so i hope i get to play varsity tomorrow because i was energetic today. and after that i've just been chillin at home since practice.

8.26.10 ugh

well i suppose i should write in here since i haven't since like late april ha. im not good at keeping these things updated. i don't do this often as you might tell. the only reason i do it is because kelsey likes to read it and know what my thoughts are. so i do it for you kelsey :)
so it was the second day of school today. it was just like any other day. this year has been extremly boring so far. i don't have any classes with kelsey or matt. and i don't get to see trevor in the hallways. this sucks so far. my classes are hard and i don't have anything to look forward to. i just don't care, i want to give up. but i guess i have to work hard for something in life, and thats to live happy in the end. so we found out our teams in vball practice today. yeah i'm not to satisfied. im on jv and varsity. yeah happy im on varsity. but jv really. this would be my third year on it. i mean yeah i guess they need me as a setter but i think they can find someone else. if i barely play varsity within the first couple games i think i'm gonna quit. cuz honestly what good am i if i barely play ya know. it would just be dumb. they can replace me. i'm not that important. i don't think our teams will be that good this year sadly. but we'll see. varsity yeah our hitters are good, but they brought up a freshman, and some sophomores. and jv-- the backrow isn't doing so hot. they let alot drop and can barely get me the ball to set. i'm like running out there to get the ball looking like a chicken with my head cut off. i like being a setter but yet i just kinda want to hit ya know. but i guess i can do both occasionally. kelsey is on jv with me. i'm proud of her. she's actually pretty damn good. i try and get her the ball as much as i can, hehe :) so i have to play jv this weekend for the tourney. i'm kinda pissed but whatever i guess. and we're highly encouraged not to go to the first football game of the year in platte. well damn it i really want to go. but doesn't look like i'll be going. just to impress a couple coaches. ugh fuck this. i just want to give up on it and do what i want when i want.i just wish i lived in a apartment or something and did everything i wanted for a while. and its hard then possibly go back to the way things were. idk just try something new i guess.
im gonna try and write in this more. cuz now i have wireless internet at home and i can get on this more instead of just school where i'm busy most of the time with homework or something. so kelsey i hope your getting more of my thoughts :) i love you kelsey! :)

my weekend.

this weekend.
friday: after school me and kelsey went to sioux falls. to finish up our prom shopping and get our nails done (which are really hard to write/type with) which mine are kinda a little longer than kelseys. its gonna be hard to work with these things. but they look nice. becca chilled with us for a bit at the mall and walmart.. it was pretty cool that she was there. she talked about her boyfriend alot. i met her boyfriend, and 2 friends. we left around 7:30ish i think. so we were on our way home and about 2 miles on the interstate, i was digging for my chap stick and kelsey looked down at her phone to check the time. and guess what. a deer ran out and hit us. we were only going like 65 mph. it hit the sid of the car. knocked the head light out and cracked the radiator. i'm like "kelsey we just hit a deer" she was in shock and denied it but i made her stop so we could look at the damage. she didn't want to look so i volunteered, i got out and looked at it. i was completely shocked that a adolecent deer could do that much damage to a car. my face was in shock. my eyes and mouth were open the widest they could go. i'm like you have to see this. she called her mom. she was crying so i had to take the phone and talk to her, i explained and described everything. her mom told us to just stay there and they would come and get us. so we stayed there becca and her friends came and gave us some company. beccas boyfriend told us what was wrong with the car, which basically the radiator was cracked and that needed to be replaced and stuff lik that. so we waited for kelsey's parents to get there and they loaded the car up on the trailer and we went home.
saturday:: couldn't really sleep in late, so i woke up around 9:30. cleaned my room a bit then chilled for a bit till i got my hair done. it looked beautiful. it rained really hard! hailed a little. then we took pictures at 4. jonny and trevor came over. trevor walked in and i like gasped kinda, a smile lite my face when i first seen him. he looked so good! he cleaned up very nice. he was very hot and sexy. :) grandma and grandpa came over and took pictures. we took like a million pictures. my cheecks hurt because there were so many pictures lol. then we drove around for a long while. he let me drive for a bit. which was really cool. he like offered it and i was surprised cuz its a huge diesel truck. but i got to for what about a half hour/ 45 min or so. it was pretty great. but then i went to my house and got my clothes for the after prom party cuz trevor wanted me to change at his house. so i did. then he got in and drove till the banquet. which was the junior senior banquet. it was cool. i got my glass and we ate and stuff. stolp gave a speech and stuff. and trevor did the beef hot links commercial. he had to. it was sweet. he got really embarressed, his face turned bright red. it was cute. so we got done with the banquet and we drove around for a while longer. went to the school and took pictures. then the grand march. there was alot of out of town dates. then the dance! :) me and trevor danced together alot. he was the only guy i danced with besides jonny wagner, he came up and i danced with him, but mary was there so i focused on her basically. but other than jonny i danced with trevor. we danced all the slow songs and most of the fast. but some of the songs were lame so we went and chilled. we were ready for the dance to be over the last hour of the dance. ha. after the dance we went to trevors and changed. he helpd me outta my dress and stuff. we changed and went to the after prom party. my favorite part was the hypnitist. he was halarious. trevor was hypnotised. he was so funny! he sang to shawnia twain. and he had to act like her to. i have most of it on video on my phone. andy and mary i say were the funniest. zac heumiller was faking it the whole time, everyone could tell, but he stayed up there. he just looked dumb. but chelsea, abby, and darin were up there to. abby was funny to. then it got done and we went and played games and stuff. i pretty much just watched trevor do games. i won a water bottle and thats it. he won a mini frige or whatver and a gift card to the trophy room. we went to his house after the after prom party and i went home at like 7:30ish. and went to bed.
sunday: i basically slept all day. woke up at 3, went and ate a bowl of cereal, went and laid back in bed till like 7, got up and went on facebook, then laid in bed til like 9 and got up to talk to my fam. then went to bed at like 11. ha i was a pile yesterday.
today: it rained this morning when i was walking to school. its pretty crappy and gloomy out. kelsey isn't here today. i wonder why??? i emailed her this morning. but no response. i'm sitting here suppose to be in spanish but the thing wont connect so i should probably go and find schock. :/

here we go.

today today today. today has been ok. i had to work last night 4-10. it gets exhausting cuz i was the float, which means i was down all of the wings running to get to the next transfer/lift. cleaned alot of people up. and charted like a mad woman. it was nuts. but anyway. me and trevor talked a little bit. he texted me at work probably around 6 or so. i can't really text back cuz your not even suppose to have your phone on you but ppl do anyway. so i texted back when i could. he asked what i wanted to take to prom. i wanted him to have that picked out already. it was between a jeep, jason lunders truck or something out. but i don't really wanna choose that. its his senior year prom. i want him to have it the way he wants it. i mean i would like a part of it to but really its his last year of prom i want him to have his way mainly. i want to look good for him. but we didn't talk all that much. and i went to bed. i said goodnight. but i didn't say i love you. i feel asleep. but then he said " i do care about you" i like seeing that this morning. but then i said "it doesn't seem like it" and he hasn't replied to that one yet. so i'm just gonna wait for him to email me first. i've been trying and he hasn't. its hard for it to only be a one way street ya know.

so maybe if i go out tonight which i plan on doing if we don't get back from sioux falls to late, and talk to trevor tonight. because prom is tomorrow and i don't want it to be awkward or anything . i want it to be great and perfect and everything. but we'll see how things go.

so i'm going to sioux falls with kelsey today!! :):) i'm excited. we're gonna go and get our nails done. then we're gonna get our jewlery and make up and stuff. and i guess becca is gonna hang out with us after we get our nails done. i kinda wanted it to be just me and kelsey all day. but she hasn't seen becca for like a month she said. so i guess she's gonna help pick out jewlery and stuff with us. i hope its fun with her. i just don't want to be left out or feel like i'm the third wheel or anything. cuz when she lived her-8th grade, her and kelsey were best friends, and i felt like the third wheel most of the time. but oh well. it should be fun--hopefully. ha

well nothing really left on my mind at the time. talk later maybe.

my stressful days. .

soooo. i think i'm gonna write today. i have alot to talk about. i haven't written in here for like a month or so.
so i went to state ffa in brookings. we left on sunday at noon. i sat with matt all the way up there. we got to the hotel and i hung out in matt, jordan, and bebo's room for most of the time. we went burger king and then we went to walmart. i had to go cuz i had to get a shirt, nylons, and black socks.. and we just messed around in there.. it was pretty fun. we had to go to a session that day. sooo we got all dressed up in OD. we all look so cool in OD. so professional ha. but after that, it got done at like 9:30. so when we got back i just chilled in my room with beth and lynze. beth is sooo messy. she had her stuff everywhere! it kinda got annoying, i had all my stuff in the little chair next to my bed. we ordered pizza that night. mmmm it was so good. but we went to bed at like 11:30, cuz we had to get up at 6 to shower and stufff.
monday: got up at 6, first one to shower, blew dried my hair, straightened and the whole 9 yards. so got in OD, and went to another session. kinda boring. wanted to sleep lol. got back to the hotel and chilled for a bit, i went swimming for about a half hour. i was only in the hot tube, it felt really good on my stressed back. i needed it. i could use a back rub also right now ha. so i showered again after that and got all did again lol. had another session, went back to the hotel room and changed and touched up a bit. then went to the dance. i had a really good time at the dance, i had to go and get a drink cuz i was really hot and started to sweat, i came back and to what to seeeee. i seen trevor and paige grinding! yeah i was majorly pist. i can't really explain the feeling. i wanted to cry. matt got in my face and said it was alright. i screamed at him saying it was not all right. he better get the fuck off of her. they better stop now. i didn't do anything about it. i wish i would of gone up to them and stopped them myself and made a big scene or something. but i didnt. i sat there and watched them. beau came up to me and asked if i wanted to dance. he said if he can dance with another girl than i can dance with another guy. so i danced with beau the rest of that song + another song. then after that trevor thought he could dance with me. she he started dancing with me. i told him to go dance with paige again, and he said he would rather not, so i barely danced with him. he left and i think he went and told paige something but idk what he said. and brock started dancing on me so i'm like ok, brock you wanna dance? and he's like surrrre. so we started dancing, and trevor came back and he was like what the fuck?! he's like whatever and he left. so i'm like whatever i'm gonna keep dancing. you left so whatever. then after that i'm like where'd trevor go and no body knew. so i'm whatever god. so i went and got a drink and went to the bathroom to cool down a bit. then i came back and brock said that trevor asked where i was, but he left again. so idk . and then the last song came on and zach bies asked me to dance so i'm like surrre i guess i can do that. so i started dancing with him and i found trevor, he was standing off to the side, i think he was watching me or something but i don't really care. so dance got over and i followed matt and jordan out and we sat there for a couple min. trevor came up behind me and said i'm leaving, peace. and i'm like yep. bye. i texted him and i'm like wow more fuckin secrets. and he's like what. whats going on. what are you talking about. i'm like really. you had to jump on paige once i left huh. real sneaky. and then he like blew up on me. i told him not to talk to me and then he's like way to be mature, i'm like way to piss off your girlfriend. then he's like i can't believe your associating yourself with me. i'm like i don't have to. he's like do what you got to do. then i said ok really. i about cried when i seen you with paige, but i guess you do what you got to do. and yeah. then he didn't respond after that. so i just went to bed.
tuesday: woke up at 6:20ish, showered, blow dried hair, and threw it up cuz i didn't really want to do anything with it. so went to the session and blah. i texted trevor saying "what do you want with me" he was like what, what do you mean. i said it was a pretty straight forward question. and he said idk. what do you want to happen. i told him i was unsure. i don't remember much. but i told him i don't feel like there is much loyalty, honesty and respect. he said he doesn't lie to me, he is loyal.. which really isn't true. i told him he doesn't really respect me that much. and he kinda agreed. and i asked why. and he said it doesn't matter. and i asked why it didn't matter. and he said he would tell me in person cuz he didn't want to tell me over text or something. kinda makes me worry. .
but yesterday we got back at 3, i took a nap when i got home from school. woke up at 6. went and tanned with my mom while she worked out a bit. then got home, ate supper. i went walking at 8 by myself. it was good. i like excersing or however you spell that. i invited trevor to go with me so we could talk but he didnt, even though he said he would. so i walked by myself. and then he invited me over at like 9:10. whick i had to be home at 9:30. so i was only there for like 10 min maybe. cuz it took me some time to walk there. seth was there. he told him to leave. so i crawled up on him bed where he was and sat there. it was 3 min before i had to leave. he's like so start talking.. i didn't really want to start something that was not going to get finished. he's like if your not gonna talk i'm gonna go work out. i'm like god, i'll leave. so i got up and left. he went and worked out, i went home and went to bed.
and now i'm here sitting in spanish, writing this novel. not really paying attention.. but i thought i would write in this for a bit since i haven't written in here and i have alot to say.. so kels i hope this takes up your "bored" time lol.
i didn't cover some of the stuff but i got most of it. ha

yeah. um i'm bored.

so today i'm super bored.!. wow i haven't written in here for 10 days. big reason is when i wanted to get on here the damn websit was blocked. like really. why is it blocked for a couple days and not for a day. . kinda frustrating.
all of the choir kids are gone. which include trevor, kelsey, and matt. um yeah. i have no one to talk to. i have no one to sit by at lunch. barely anyone in classes. i kinda wish i was in choir. but i like not being in it. more time to do homework and stuff. i have so much to write but i don't know where to start. eh
STATE is this weekend. i hope i can stay. i hope kelsey can stay to. we'd be staying in a room with like 12 ppl. there is gonna be alot of ppl on the floor. but trevor gets bed. which means i get bed lol. and if kelsey stays she gets bed also. cuz i'm not gonna let one of my best friends sleep on the floor. she'll sleep on my side of the bed. no other girl will be sleepin by trevor. i'm just that protective lol. but i hope me and kelsey can stay. i'm really hoping.. even if it was just friday night.
trevor asked me to do him a favor yesterday. and that was to go and check the sump pump or whatever to see if it was working and to see if the floor was wet or anything. so i'm like yeah ok sure. so i went over. i didn't care what i looked like cuz i thought i wasn't gonna see anyone. well i got there went downstairs to the utility room. he jumps out at me and grabs me. scarres the hell outta me. idk i was kinda acting weird cuz i was in shock and i looked like shit. i was wearing no make-up, hair was up, wearing sweats, have my period and i have a huge zit on my cheek. i just want it gone. anyway. he said he was comming back on wednesday with his family. but he came back for the music thing today. kinda weird but he did. i wouldn't of came back. ha but oh well. i got to see him. i missed him.
friday: i stayed home. trevor was gone and i didn't want to do anything. cuz i wasn't gonna see him. i just wanted to hug him tight.
saturday night. i was in the mood to go out. so i did. i went out with matt, abbey, shelby, & becca. i guess kelsey wanted to hang out with jonny and watch a movie or something and becca wanted to go out. so i'm like ok i'll take her out. we went out to the summer house. it was pretty lame but i'm sure she would rather be doing something than sit there in the dark and watch a movie cuddling with herself.. there was probably about 50 ppl out at summer house by like 10:30. we went home at 11:30. it was pretty lame. but whatever. we just sat there and talked. didn't drink or anything. but thats alright. doesn't hurt anything. i kinda wish me and becca coulda talked more. like more in detail and stuff. but it seemed like she wasn't that interested.
i'm in spanish right now. i wanna shoot myself. just i need something to do. i can hardly pay attention. i need someone to talk to. i wanna cuddle or something. sleep. watch a movie. anything but be at school.
oh well i guess. i'll probably write later cuz i have nothing else to do. i'll have more to talk about i'm sure. . .